This is a really good essay! You make good points and strong arguments. I just have a few notes of advice, but feel free to take them with a grain of salt:
There seems to be a lot of questions being asked throughout your essay. Maybe try to reword those questions into regular statements, for example “Have you ever heard of the saying, “Have you ever watched a motivational video that changed the way you were feeling?… was there music, or cool sound effects…?” reworded to “Think about a video. You watched that changed the way you felt. Maybe there was music, or cool sound effects… But there were also words”
Also maybe try to look into the “they say” more. You have a great start, mentioning the other side’s potential arguments, but they’re just in a sentence or two. Try to explore more of the opposing side and go into more depth on why people might feel that way and what evidence they have to support. I think being able to counter physical opposing evidence will make your essay stronger and provide you more insight as well.
Your peer-review looks fantastic, as does your 150-word note. You offer great advice when you suggest that your peer expand their “they say.” Suggestions for improvement: Don’t be afraid to be even more specific. For example, when you suggest that your peer may need to strengthen their thesis, consider trying to point out why their thesis is weaker than desirable. Perhaps it’s confusing or vague. You could also suggest something that they could add.